Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for all of your love, support and encouraging words after reading Part 1 of “He Wasn’t Man Enough For Me”. In Part 2, I want to take you back to one of the worst days of my life. I thought this would be the best way to close out this topic. It truly speaks on how something so traumatizing made me the man I am today.
I hated being around men.
I often found myself wondering if men were giving me strange looks, or if they could tell I was uncomfortable in their presence. This all stemmed from my middle school days. I’ll never forget the day my “homeboy” outed me in front of the class.
On a typical class day, another student and I were exchanging words, and if you know me, then you know I won the cracking session or at least, that’s what I thought.
I thought the session was over, but then the other student pulled a piece of paper from his notebook and started scribbling something. I couldn’t see what, but my classmates started laughing as the paper was passed around. My homeboy was the last one to receive the paper. After glancing up at me, he grabbed his things and moved away from where we were sitting, then he grab a pencil and wrote his response. He then passed it on to the next student, who in turn handed it to me.
Written at the top of the paper boldly was, “Is Greg Gay”? Underneath, there was a crudely drawn yes or no column, which everyone checked yes to. What hurt most was, my supposed friend even checked yes.
I wanted to scream. Instead, I went to the restroom and cried for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t understand or process why someone I called a friend would turn against me like it was nothing.
Imagine growing up and everyone around you thinking you’re something that you’re not. It hurts and no, it’s not fair. They constantly express their opinions in the worst way by calling you a faggot, gay boy, or even a sissy.
It was so bad, that the boys in high school would change seats so they wouldn’t be near me. Even the musicians in church wouldn’t speak to me unless my brother told them, “He’s not gay, he just acts like this”. Not ever being accepted as a man, not only crushed me, but it broke my heart.
Over and over again, this question would enter my mind. “What am I, if I’m not a real man”?
Maybe a girl… At the time, that was the only option I could come up with. I thought, if I couldn’t go and do the “manly thing”, then I must not be a man. The devil tried his hardest to make me believe this, but I didn’t break or fall prey to him. I was determined to change the perception of what a man is or supposed to be. It hurt so bad growing up and being misunderstood for being who God created me to be.
I questioned God many times, crying out to Him, asking, “Why did you make me like this? Why don’t people of my gender accept me for who I am? WHY AM I NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR THESE MEN?”
All I ever wanted was to be accepted by my male cousins, uncles, brother and father! I knew I had to change my way of thinking. I had to force myself to forget what others thought of me. That is when I decided that I was all the man God made me to be, and I learned how to accept me, Gregory.
Rule number one to overcoming judgement from others: Stop hiding yourself!
Once I became comfortable with who I was, other people’s opinions didn’t affect me as much. Don’t get it twisted, it’s still upsetting or bothersome when someone thinks I’m gay, but I don’t allow it to get the best of me.
Sharing this has been an emotional ride, but well worth it. I’m willing to be open about my life experiences, even if it only helps one person. My hope is that this blog will reach many, especially if there’s a little boy or girl who is experiencing being misunderstood because of the way they talk, walk, or even dress. Remember, you are everything God has created you to be. Be Great!